Women.

I have to ask God why.

Why did you make women so irresistible, yet so unpredictable? You think you're punishing them by giving them a period? Huh? What kind of all knowing being are you, you stupid son of a bitch?! Adam didn't know the apple came from the tree, it's not his fault. How come we're doomed to dealing with their unstable mood swings? Even when they aren't on their periods, they can just randomly flip out.

And what is this, "You're going to hell if you don't practice monogamy" shit? Tell me a woman didn't slip that into the rule book.

They're sneaky, scheming, weaselly, slimy individuals.

....


Well, now that I've got that off my chest.. I have to say that I can't help but love the women in my life anyway. They're smart, funny, comforting, loving individuals.

A woman you truly love can put you through hell, but is also capable of taking you higher than the greatest peak on the highest mountain.

I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I can be frustrated, but they're worth it.

No, I'm not bi-polar.

Seeds.

Yeah, this is my second post today.. I'm a loser, I have nothing else to do. Get over it.

Anyway..

Sunflower seeds are the devil.

THE DEVIL I TELL YOU.

The damn things are tough to eat, and yet addictive. I hate them. But love them. I'm getting better at eating them, so it's more love now than hate.. Still though.

I actually had to read the back of the bag to figure out how to eat them.. And then I made a fool out of myself.

Truthfully, if I had to survive on Sun flower seeds, I would starve to death. Or, I'd craftily ambush the other animals coming to eat the seeds. Yes, craftily.

yessssssssssssssssssss, oh so craftily.

Bathroom.

As some of you may know, I live in a dorm room with two other guys. It used to be three other guys, but one has since moved out. But I digress.

I'm a decently clean kind of guy, sometimes my area gets a little cluttered, but it isn't dirty. Egemen also keeps his part of the room tidy. Jake, well, he plans on moving out soon, so we just ignore his crap.

Why is it, then, that the bathroom is so disgusting? I spent an hour cleaning just the toilet, and the sink. It was simply that bad. Put another way, it was foul enough for me to do something about it. It's still horrid in there, the floor looks like I could plant a tree there is so much dirt.. The mirror has what looks like toothpaste on it, but I don't think it is.. There is some kind of shit streaked across the wall.. I'm assuming it literally is shit, and it wasn't there when I moved in.

....

Basically, neat freaks would slowly die from looking at it. They wouldn't actually be able to clean it, because they wouldn't know where to start. I have a theory that this is why my other roommate fled.

So, until such time as I can afford my trained monkey servent, I've taken it upon myself to clean it.. Whenever it disturbs me. I ask for your prayers, because one day something may rise up out of this pit of a bathroom, and smite us all.

Homework.

Mother of mercy.

I hate homework.

Why is it that people give homework? It just creates more work for everyone involved. The student has to complete the homework, and the professor has to grade it. I suppose there could be an entertainment value in there for the professor, laughing with other professors over just how stupid we (the students) really are.. But, they still have to do work.

Don't they remember what it was like getting homework? Or are instructors not human? That would make sense. Never having had homework, they would be immune to the memory of horrors past. Or, perhaps it's a requirement that they be sadistic; they're finally the ones giving the homework. Maybe they even miss homework, and think they're doing us a favor.

But, whatever the reason, I would like to formally call out to all levels of the educational structure, and implore you to refrain from homework giving.

It isn't nice.

Cold.

It's much to cold to post today. Maybe tomorrow.

Truth.

What is love?

Is it anything more than a state of mind?

I challenge you to prove it to me. How else can I feel like this? One minute I don't really want to have anything to do with her, the next, I can't live without her. Then there is whats in between, something that wants me to challenge it. I don't know what it is, but I feel like pushing the very fabric that is my relationship.

Bah.

I'll ask again, what is love?

Is it something that you know, deep down, a feeling of truth?

Something so deep down, that you can't put a finger on it... But somehow, it just feels right.

I don't know.

I'm not a prophet.

I don't pretend to have an answer.

If I want something, I go for it.

Desire, lust... closeness, love.

Fuck life.

Love is volatile. And that, friend, is truth.

Orange.

I couldn't think of a post title.. So yeah.


Anyway.

...


I've done more thinking in the past couple of days than I have in the past couple of years. I'm a reasonably intelligent young lad, and the brain cells not destroyed by alcohol are very responsive. So why is it that, for awhile at least, I was able to think placing all my faith in a woman was a good idea. I mean, only applying to colleges near her?

I'm not saying that it's a bad idea (Mike, Jenna, I apparently have to mention you every once in awhile), but I'm not sure I've found that special someone. But, maybe I have..

I've no idea. This debate will continue to tear me apart. I think I'm just looking for someone, and she's available. That's a horrible thing to say.. I know.

For the first time in my life, I'm actually thinking of dumping Rachel West... For no reason. We're going along just fine. Some bumps, but that's normal. We've both hurt the other, so we're taking it slow. I'm just not feeling for her what I used to feel... Deep down I'm wondering if she's even worth talking to.. I know, another horrible thing to say..

And so, I've decided this:

I WILL NOT ONLY BE APPLYING TO SCHOOLS NEAR RACHEL.

I've decided that it's not worth gambling my future. I will apply to schools near her, in case I decide she's the one... The odds of that are pretty slim though.

At this point I think I'd much rather go near a friend of mine, any one of my five best.. I've asked them to give me information, and so I wait.

Goggles.

Wow.

I mean, damn.

...



Has anyone ever sniffed a pair of safety goggles? Just out of the plastic container, fresh and new.. Safety goggles smell good. I can't get over it. I spent three hours this morning putting up drywall, but I was also sniffing my goggles. I'm telling you, it's wonderful.

I have a theory on why they smell so good. I mean, the question came into my mind.. Why would they care if the goggles smelled good? Then it hit me. They are so uncomfortable, that it's hell to wear them. But you do anyway, because they just smell so amazing.

That is all.

Okay.

So yeah. I was slowly starting to pack things up, when I realized.. I'm hungry. So I grab my pants, and head to the cafeteria. I go alone when I don't have plans, and I stay alone when I don't run into anyone I know. No big deal.

So I get my food (some weird seafood pasta, an open faced turkey sandwich, and some funky mashed potatoes, in case you were wondering), and I sit down. I sat at a table, all by myself. There were other empty tables, so I felt secure in my alone-ness.

But apparently I shouldn't have.

A couple of minutes later, someone puts a tray down right across from me. I look up, thinking it's obviously someone that knows me. I look into the eyes of this woman I've never seen before, not in all my days on this Earth. She says, "Hi, whats your name?". I was caught off guard, so I answered her. Taking that information, she continued, "Hi Tom, I'm Lauren, you want to eat dinner together?". I almost said no, but I thought that'd be rude.

Instead, I said sure.. In a very half arsed, go away kind of manner. Lauren didn't take the hint.

She smiles very happily, and sits down. Then she doesn't shut up. I was asked a multitude of extremely random questions. "Whats your favorite fruit?"... "Did you know goldfish only have a memory span of 20 seconds?"... I was very weirded out. I tried to eat quickly, without seeming to speed up. Then I made my escape, but not before she'd weaseled out of me my room number. I suppose I can only pray that I never see her again.

......

In a completely unrelated matter...

Have you ever noticed a group of black men singing? I have. It isn't a very pleasant sight when none of them have a singing voice.

I guess that's all for me.. I'm going to get some breakfast, and then start working.

Ramblings.

I'm so confused.

I feel like I'd imagine a monkey would feel, if he were handed a perfect replica of a banana, but made of rubber. It's almost like this imaginary banana is my life.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Of course, if I were the monkey it'd be easy.. Use the rubber banana as a weapon, and take out as many nerdy scientists as I can before security shows up, then escape through an air vent. Clearly I'd make a superior monkey.

As a human.. Well...

Somehow I managed to convince myself that I am not risking anything. That's how this whole process started; "Ha ha, jokes on all of you, I'm not risking a damn thing!". Of course, that isn't the case, I just hadn't reached the point where I had to risk anything. Now that my bluff has been called, I'm scared. I'm basing my entire future on a woman. Something there rings false in the cavern that houses my brain. Some signal flare is being sent up; I just don't know what it is. Am I just running away? I don't think so.. If I were running away, I'd do it properly; grab some alcohol, and become a drifter. So what am I doing? My heart isn't being much help, there.

Will history repeat itself? Am I going to be dumped, after my usefulness has been served? Does she only want me to come back to Germany so she can have a date for prom? Someone to flaunt around to her friends, and that can carry her home after a night downtown? Gah. The shadow of doubt has been cast by experience, but..

God damn it, I love her. I'm risking my future for not just any woman, but the woman I love. If I someday have to move in with Mike and Jenna, because I'm homeless, so be it. I'll always have my friends; Rachel is worth everything in my power. I can't let her be the one that got away; I have to give it my everything to know.

Rant.

Throughout my middle school, and high school life, I was promised something more from college. A greatness, if you will. People that wish to learn, but still know how to party. A place that fosters education, and a good time.

Imagine my surprise when confronted with the truth. The people here are dumb fucks. Yeah, I said it... Dumb fucks. Overlooking that, you'd think you could still hold out hope for some serious partying. Heck, you'd think it would increase the odds of some really kick ass parties. I mean, come on, stupid people LOVE to do all things fun.

Yeah, well, apparently the idea of fun is something that has been mutilated throughout the years. I haven't seen one American that can hold his alcohol without becoming either a complete ass, and starting fights, or puking his guts out. Come on people, we're supposed to be the greatest nation in the world. How can we claim that if we can't even drink? Why are you wasting your money on drugs when you should be buying REAL ALCOHOL. What is this piss water we're trying to pass off as beer? Why are you going to clubs? Whats the point of a club, may I ask? Cover charges? This society has progressed to a point where they don't even blink when there is a cover charge for everything.

......

Yeah, a cover charge. What the hell is up with that? Why should I pay you $10, just so I can come in and dance. I'll never do that again. You won't even let me buy alcohol, you bastards.

Clearly the perfect solution would be a keg party, right? No. I've talked to people I trust.. And, at least around here, keg parties don't have enough keg in the party. You'd think with a name like, "Keg Party", there would not only be enough keg to go around, but also it would be the main theme of the party. For the privelege of going to someones house, you pay $5. You're supposed to get unlimited alcohol, but all they buy is 2 kegs. How are 2 kegs supposed to be enough for a house crammed full of people looking to drink? Even if it were enough, the lines would be astronomical. Sounds to me like a waste of time. Not to mention my earlier observations about Americans not being able to hold their alcohol... I imagine a house full of puking, sniffling, whiney little people.


This is totally worse than finding out there is no Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny.

My Friends.

Alright. So, no one will read this. It shall be my one place where I can vent, without hurting anyone.

Right?

Nah, I think I'll tell my friends of it's existence, so they can believe I'm just copying Josh 's (brokenidealism.blogspot.com). And who knows, maybe I am.

I'm sitting here, in my dorm room, and it occurs to me. I love my friends. They are the best damn group of guys anyone could ever wish to run into. I shall list them here, as a sign of respect.

Andrew - The classiest man of us all, he loves the ladies. He's also the best friend you can have in your corner.

Erik - What can I say about Erik? He's one smooth operator. If I were gay, I'd totally want him. He's the only one in the group I'd fear in a drinking contest. Yes, I said it.

Jamie - Don't you dare mock his name. He is manly, and can wrestle. Don't make him hurt you, it isn't fun. I've never seen anyone handle his alcohol quite like Jamie.

Josh - Fucking genius I hate you. I'm kidding, you're awesome. Where would I be if it hadn't been for Josh's constant excursions downtown, and his need for a place to sleep? I'll tell you where, no where. That's where. I plan on living off of Josh someday, when he's rich.

Mike - Mr. Sexy. Second only to me in his obsession with alcohol, Mike is one strangely chivalrous guy. I don't know how to put it. You'd think by his lifestyle that he'd have no morals at all, but he's got a life code that parallels my own. It's scary how similar yet different he and I are.

And thats my first post. I'll do more when I feel like it.