Ramblings.

I'm so confused.

I feel like I'd imagine a monkey would feel, if he were handed a perfect replica of a banana, but made of rubber. It's almost like this imaginary banana is my life.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Of course, if I were the monkey it'd be easy.. Use the rubber banana as a weapon, and take out as many nerdy scientists as I can before security shows up, then escape through an air vent. Clearly I'd make a superior monkey.

As a human.. Well...

Somehow I managed to convince myself that I am not risking anything. That's how this whole process started; "Ha ha, jokes on all of you, I'm not risking a damn thing!". Of course, that isn't the case, I just hadn't reached the point where I had to risk anything. Now that my bluff has been called, I'm scared. I'm basing my entire future on a woman. Something there rings false in the cavern that houses my brain. Some signal flare is being sent up; I just don't know what it is. Am I just running away? I don't think so.. If I were running away, I'd do it properly; grab some alcohol, and become a drifter. So what am I doing? My heart isn't being much help, there.

Will history repeat itself? Am I going to be dumped, after my usefulness has been served? Does she only want me to come back to Germany so she can have a date for prom? Someone to flaunt around to her friends, and that can carry her home after a night downtown? Gah. The shadow of doubt has been cast by experience, but..

God damn it, I love her. I'm risking my future for not just any woman, but the woman I love. If I someday have to move in with Mike and Jenna, because I'm homeless, so be it. I'll always have my friends; Rachel is worth everything in my power. I can't let her be the one that got away; I have to give it my everything to know.